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Yossif’s Junk Food Reviews: Some Bytch’s Sugar Chips

This October the 14th, I want to use it as a perfect example of how bullshyt permeates through the minds of people and why you need to examine everything critically.

Today is considered “Columbus day” here in America. Most people don’t know much about history or Columbus himself, but it’s still considered a day to celebrate this man. We’re told something along the lines that he was a famous brave explorer that discovered the new world and/or proved the earth was round. That’s about the extent of most people’s knowledge and for the most part the holiday is an excuse for companies to have some kind of stupid themed sale. In truth, he was a complete piece of schyt. I’m talking astronomical Mcdouchenstine. Check out the real story here.

Long story short, he didn’t prove anything about the shape of the world and he didn’t discover anything. He merely found a piece of land where millions of peaceful natives already resided. He ended up taking advantage of the land and the people to satiate his own greed and evilness. He more or less slaughtered and pillaged and did whatever he wanted against innocent people who had no chance of retaliation. A true despot…. And yet he’s somehow celebrated today and virtually everyone thinks highly of him for some reason. In most cases, it’s a case of rewriting history and fooling people by telling them lies at a young age and overtime, it becomes considered fact.

This is how bullshyt is spread. It’s a global version of the telephone game. This is meant to be a warning to critically examine everything you think you know and always be asking questions. Always be seeking the truth. Always be reading between the lines. In my learning about health and wellness, this is no different. As I always say, the people who want your money will stop at nothing to get it. They use advertising and psychology to trick you into trusting them and their products. They don’t care about you or your health, they just want to trick you into giving them your money. 

So here I present an article which I hope to turn into a series. I will take something that I view as fake food and point out all the bullshyt used to try to trick people like yourself. Aside from my interests in health, I am also an avid psychologist of sorts, and I have trained myself to spot psychological tactics and ploys that are designed to trick the average person. We’re surrounded 24/7, filled up to our necks in bullshyt, and you need to train yourself to recognize it. Otherwise, you’ll be taken advantage of. 

Junk Food Galore!

So I went to get my morning cup of coffee at work today. I use one of those K-cup machines when I don’t have fresh beans to make. While I was waiting for it to fill my cup, I glanced over at the vending machine. Now normally I don’t really ever use the vending machine since everything in it is worthless. Nothing but junk food, empty calories, artificial ingredients and excessive carbs in that crap. I usually have plenty of canned meat to eat if/when I do get hungry enough to eat at work. However, something caught my eye. “Popchips” they were called. I liked the packaging, a mostly black background and a pleasing pink/purplish streak through the middle. The attractive packaging did its job of catching my eye. I then saw it was some sort of kettle corn flavored corn chips. I’ll admit, I am a sucker for kettle corn popcorn at times. This particular one was called “Katy’s kettle corn” Ok…who the fack is Katy?

junk food natural? haaa yeah,

 

The thing that caught my eye was the “ALL NATURAL.” O rly? I love looking at processed and junk food calling itself “all natural.” It’s usually complete bullshyt. All natural, by definition, should mean something practically untouched by man. As in, something that occurs in nature that you could theoretically just walk outside and find on a tree or in the ground. An apple or a fish for instance. Technically, dog poop is “all natural” and thus meaningless as an advertising term, but they’ll use it to trick health-conscious people. Anyways, I love seeing how “natural” these junk foods get.

I’m pressing where the chips end. Pathetic.

Curiosity got the best of me… They wanted 1$ for this junk food. I pondered how much that would buy elsewhere for real food… or perhaps being better spent as a part of an index fund purchase. (don’t worry, I won’t go into my investing rant right now…) Screw it, this is for SCIENCE. I slid my wrinkled dollar into the machine. *103* I pressed on the keypad and the machine sprung into action. The chips made a soft plunk on the base… I predicted, by the speed of the bag falling, that there was mostly air in the package. Not surprisingly, there was. I’d say a good 70% in fact. I love buying AIR! -_-

So here I am, sipping my coffee and looking over this atrocious piece of shat. Ah, so the titular “Katy” was Katy Perry. I really don’t give half a flying-fuk about Katy Perry. Her music is annoying as hell. I sincerely hope no one buys this junk just because her name is on it, but I’m sure people do. Psychologically speaking, people tend to trust something more if a famous name is attached to it. That’s why so many commercials and products have celebrity sponsors. Corporations know that people will be tricked into buying it if “so-and-so-celebrity-arsehole” is paid millions of dollars to plaster their name on it. But I digress..

All natural junk food? My Arse.


Ah, here we have a list of why they call it “All natural:”

  • no preservatives
  • no fake flavors or colors (Oh the irony…)
  • no cholesterol
  • 0 grams saturated fat
  • 0 grams trans fat
  • gluten free

Woopdie-fukin-do, no gluten and no “bad” fats.  Ooh! Whole grain, some lovely anti-nutrients and lectins. Great for leaky gut! Either way, it’s still mostly sugar. 20 grams according to the nutrition label. I guess the only saving grace is a few grams of fiber and protein. So the ingredients are as follows:

Whole grain corn, Sunflower, safflower, and/or canola oil, sugar, salt, “natural flavors.”

So that’s 3 types of oil. The “and/or” part makes me wonder… I bet they just put that so people would think it’s healthier. Typically they’d use Canola oil due to the sheer cheapness. I’m not a fan of canola oil… And oh look: “Natural flavors.” That can mean a lot of things. If it were truly “natural flavors” they would not need to list it as an ingredient! So much for the “no fake flavors” bit.

The exact definition of “natural flavors” from the Code of Federal Regulations is as follows:

“The term natural flavor or natural flavoring means the essential oil, oleoresin, essence or extractive, protein hydrolysate, distillate, or any product of roasting, heating or enzymolysis, which contains the flavoring constituents derived from a spice, fruit or fruit juice, vegetable or vegetable juice, edible yeast, herb, bark, bud, root, leaf or similar plant material, meat, seafood, poultry, eggs, dairy products, or fermentation products thereof, whose significant function in food is flavoring rather than nutritional.

 In other words: NOT NATURALLY OCCURRING. Truth in advertising, eh?

So let’s open this shat up and look at what we’ve got. Wow, that’s a pathetic amount of food for 1$. Shyt, for 2$ I could have gotten a bag of carrots at the farmer’s market. (Wait, I already did that.) Such is the price of vending machines. You’re paying out the arse for convenience and poor nutrition. Win-win, right?

Taste test (FOR SCIENCE):

“…Meh.”

Granted, it has less crap in it than most products in the vending machine. I give it props for having a fairly short list of ingredients and using at least one decent type of oil (supposedly). Even more so, I’m impressed at the lack of preservatives and other chemicals, but “natural flavors” should always be looked at as being just about anything. I am pleased to find at least one thing in that vending machine with a short list of ingredients. That’s not really saying much…

Sadly, after looking over all the other crap in that particular vending machine, I’d honestly say that’s the “healthiest” thing in there. If I was suddenly starving and/or craving sugar, I guess I’d be willing to trade my precious 1$ for 70% oxygen and ~25% mediocre sugary corn chips. Or I’d just not eat anything.

Just out of sheer curiosity, I googled the brand and a page popped up with “reviews:”

“katy’s favorite chip” – okmagazine

“i’ve popped for katy’s kettle corn!” – amy

Who the hell is “Amy,” why should I care what she says? Somehow I doubt someone who isn’t being paid by the company would say something as cheesy and cliché as that… So what if it’s Katy’s favorite chip? You could have said it’s Al Gore Obama’s favorite chip, I still won’t care. Also, what the hell is with these advertisers not using proper capitalization? I keep seeing that more and more and it’s really pissing me off. Either it’s a product of shytty educational system or some kind of asinine stylistic thingamajigger. Either way, it looks idiotic. I really wish people would knock that schyt off. Since when did looking like you failed grade school become cool??

FINAL GRADE: Grade: 2/10. WOULD NOT EAT.

So like I said, this post is ultimately an exercise in critical thinking about food. We’re surrounded 24/7 by corporation and industry bullshat trying to trick us into buying and eating things that we simply do not need. They care about one thing and one thing only: your money. They get it by using these various psychological tactics to gain your trust (via a celebrity) and in exchange for your hard-earned money, give you an unneeded carb overload and 70% air in return. That’s love right there, man. ((Arseholes.))

Educate yourself on real food and decent nutrition. Junk food is a waste of calories and money. Don’t let the corporations fool you. I’m pulling for ya, we’re all in this together.

Your friend,

-Yossif

intermittent fasting

 

 

 

PS: If you were shocked about the truth behind Columbus, do yourself a favor and learn more about Nikola Tesla and Thomas Edison. Tesla was one of the greatest men who ever lived and the sole creator of many of the great technologies we still use today. Edison was a greedy mcdouchenstine right up there with Columbus, yet people think he’s the bee’s knees. Screw Edison. Educate yourself.

 

 

 

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About Yossif

Hey, I'm Yossif. I get angry about health and food. I think I know what I'm talking about, but I dunno. Most people can't drop 100 lbs by accident, right? I want to try and helps others get healthy and fit. There's a lot of lies and crappy info out there, I'm trying to shovel it out of the way. Sign up for my newsletter here!

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